The Original Disclaimer
The Hashmark, its affiliates, editors, journalists, sponsors, janitors and other third party members cannot be held accountable for any of the following occurring during the reading of the material (ie: the magazine) as by reading and including (but not limited to except where applicable) hearing about, talking about, looking at, skim reading, reading in Braille, having read to you or listening to on tape (but not vinyl) you (the first party) enter into a contract (except in Canada) unless the third and second parties have ticked the null and void box (ie: having first signified the disclaimer with a signature or any of the following: stamp, initial, mark or small wombat) in which case you will be referred to (the first party personal) one or more of the following: a shrink, accountant, bear wrestler or sumo lovemaking champion, except where international law applies or your last name ends in an F, assuming this is not the case (and sufficient documentation will be needed to prove this including testimony from 3 third party members, 2 two party members and anyone passing in the street at the time of kick-off for the next World Cup) then the agreement is concorded to with aplomb: loss of hair, loss of limbs, loss of virility, loss of teeth, loss of previous marathon records, loss of favourite cuddly toy or piles, but also including (though not limited to) syphilis, typhoid, gonorrhoea, plague or visits from the Mormons, unless you have a valid signature from a major world leader and can sing a mean “Stairway to Heaven”- this may be disputed on many grounds, such as the incompetence of world leaders, your shoe size or the fact you need a backup group to sing “Stairway…” with any real pzazz (noun: A term for unrivalled singing ability in situations where small hairy wildebeest are involved or John Prescott has released a cover single of Bohemian Rhapsody, in which case figure four on diagram 4FG on page 92 comes into play, upon which time a child will be seized or your mother eaten alive by Munchkins, your choice) in which case a backup group will be provided by the third and fourth parties, except in cases where the second person has learnt you are sleeping with his wife (see diagram 7G), unless you are a foreign national living in Britain in which case the courts shall rule in accordance with your embassy of choice (including Dollywood), with the understanding that a) you have entered the information on paper 77B XXZ4 A (but not 77B XXZ4 A1) correctly and to the fullest of your ability using just your toes (unless you have no feet, in which case see leaflet C1 ‘advice for those with no toes’ and inform your local MP) and have good underarm odour and b) you are local- failure to declare yourself as a foreigner or otherwise prior to filling in the form may result in a small nuclear attack on your home or a visit from your mother-in-law (if unavailable then closet-homosexual MP with the worst teeth); if this is the case you may be asked to produce any of the following for clarification and/or critical debate: any poetry you have written, your finest china and cartoons of all your friends wanking over John Major/Yasser Arafat (delete as appropriate), if you are of a low-income bracket then ignore this section and move onto paragraph CCJ or alternatively send one of the following to the nanny state: gold bullion, a letter saying why you love Gordon Brown or a picture of you in your undies (unless you fall into the categories of fat, repulsive, unattractive, old, prematurely wrinkled or generally physically unappealing on camera in your undies, in which case you can opt for either the silverware or a night out with Jeremy Beadle)- if in need of a receipt please send a letter to the following address ‘Yes I actually read the Hashmark legal disclaimer in that incredibly tiny writing, Torquay Municipal Landfill, TQ13 7GF’ and wait for an answer; if one is unforthcoming then assume you ARE as lonely as you suspect and maybe start taking those personal ads you read seriously (unless they’re from an old paper you found and you’re only reading them because it’s a Sunday afternoon and it’s raining and your wife’s left you… “Come back Marjorie, it’ll be different this time, I promise, I’ll get rid of the gnomes!”), if you have read this far without giving up, please feel free to commit suicide using any of the following methods (tried and tested by the Hashmark Suicide columnists): stabbing yourself, hanging yourself, leaping off a very tall bridge, swallowing a raccoon or slicing yourself up into little pieces and leaping into a bowl of custard. The judges will then score you on dexterity, cleanliness, and willingness to give oral sex to a monkey with false teeth (whether you wish to have the false teeth or for the monkey to have them is entirely up to you), photos will then be sent to your immediate family. If you’re still bored try one of the following: founding your own religion based on the worship of cheese-dwelling earwigs, searching the Internet for funny jokes using the word ‘oesophagus’ or re-reading all the disclaimers and legal notices contained within this magazine (but not herein). Custard is recommended. Radio – radio I’d sit alone and watch your light My only friend through teenage nights And everything I had to know I heard it on my radio You gave them all those old time stars Through wars of worlds – invaded by Mars You made ’em laugh -you made ’em cry You made us feel like we could fly Radio So don’t become some background noise A backdrop for the girls and boys Who just don’t know or just don’t care And just complain when you’re not there You had your time, you had the power You’ve yet to have your finest hour Radio – radio All we hear is radio ga ga Radio goo goo Radio ga ga All we hear is radio ga ga Radio blah blah Radio what’s new ? Radio, someone still loves you We watch the shows – we watch the stars On videos for hours and hours We hardly need to use our ears How music changes through the years Let’s hope you never leave old friend Like all good things on you we depend So stick around ‘cos we might miss you When we grow tired of all this visual You had your time – you had the power You’ve yet to have your finest hour Radio – radio All we hear is radio ga ga Radio goo goo Radio ga ga All we hear is radio ga ga Radio goo goo Radio ga ga All we hear is radio ga ga Radio blah blah Radio what’s new ? Someone still loves you Radio ga ga (ga ga) Radio ga ga (ga ga) Radio ga ga (ga ga) You had your time – you had the power You’ve yet to have your finest hour Radio – radio. Best Queen songs, no particular order: Bohemian Rhapsody, Don’t Stop Me Now, Radio GaGa, Killer Queen, Hammer To Fall. If you disagree please feel free to write in and be mocked by our staff. In Shakespeare’s day, the Globe theatre was a noisy and apparently smelly place that could have about 3000 people crammed into it. It was this place that most of Shakespeare’s plays were designed for, the crowded audience included. The theatre itself was divided up into three sections, with different classes of people in the different sections. The Globe tried to remain open for everyone from most walks of life, commoners and the rich alike, though chose to divide them up into classes rather than have them sit together. Shakespeare had to do likewise with his plays: make sure they appealed to every group of people in the Globe. The cheapest place in the theatre was the yard, where it would have cost one penny for a place, making it affordable to almost everyone. People who spent the play in the yard were known as ‘Groundlings’, and up to 1000 of them would be packed together in the yard; a place where they would more than likely end up standing with thieves and prostitutes. Another 2000 attendees were placed in the three galleries, which had seats, as opposed to the yard. A seat in the galleries cost 2 pennies, and it was possible to hire a cushion for a third. Despite the fact that all three galleries cost the same to sit in, people preferred to use the middle gallery, as it was considered to have a higher social status. The lower gallery was too close to the yard and the filthy commoners, while the upper gallery had a reputation for being a place for illegal business deals and the working area of the local prostitutes. The most expensive seats in the entire Globe, and available only to the richest, were known as the Lords’ Rooms. They were just behind and above the stage, in roughly the same area used by the musicians, and had lots of advantages to the richest at that time. Firstly, there was the fact that they were just as visible to the people watching the play as the play itself, which allowed them to show off the fact that they were rich enough to be able to sit there, as opposed to with everyone else. Secondly, although they could hardly see the play, they could HEAR it. In those days, people actually went to hear plays, not to see them, so this was considered a major bonus. Other facts about the Globe theatre and the plays in it are that all the actors were male, and all the female parts played by young boys, as it was illegal for women to appear on stage in those days. The Globe was only used in the summer, because it’s open top. In the winter, Shakespeare and his company used an indoor theatre north of the Thames. Shakespeare was also an actor, and wrote himself tailor-made parts in a few of his plays, but it wasn’t from his acting or writing that he made his money, as writers and actors were very badly paid in those days. He made his money because he was also a good businessman, and held shares in the company that performed his plays, although, without his writing skills, they wouldn’t have done nearly so well. No one’s reading this anymore are they? I can tell. I can say whatever I want. I’m gay. See? Nigel I love you- I’m sorry I still have to pretend to be with Doris- let’s never fight again please honey bunch. You want the truth? YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH! On this, the day of my daughters wedding. This whole trial is out of order! Attica! Attica! Are you not entertained?! May the force be with you. You talkin’ to me? I’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse. I know it was you Fredo, and you broke my heart! We’re gonna need a bigger boat. My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks! In a row?! Just when I thought I was out! They pull me back in again! Say hello to my little friend! We can’t stop here this is bat country! Alright pal, your fuckin head is coming right off. I remember those cheers, they still ring in my ears and for years they remain in my thoughts. Go to one night, I took of my robe and what’d I do? I forgot to wear shorts. I recall every fall, every hook every jab, the worst way a guy can get rid of his flab. As you know my life wasn’t drab. Though I’d much rather hear you cheer when I delve into Shakespeare ‘a horse a horse, my kingdom for a horse’ I haven’t had a winner in six months. And though I’m no Olivier if he fought Sugar Ray he’d say that the thing aint the ring it’s the play. So give me a stage where this bull here can rage, and though I could fight, I’d much rather recite, that’s entertainment. Merry Christmas savings and loan! Our true enemy, has yet to reveal himself. DISCLAIMER QUESTIONNAIRE: Question one: explain, using diagrams where appropriate, the disproportionate use of Al Pacino quotes in the previous section. Question two: account for the fact that you have nothing better to do in your free time than read disclaimers. At forty-five degrees, the sky will burn, Fire approaches the great new city, Immediately a huge, scattered flame leaps up When they want to have verification from the Norman By fire he will destroy their city, A cold and cruel heart, Blood will pour, Mercy to none. The year 1999 seven month, From the sky will come a great King of terror: To bring back to life the great King of Angolmois, (the Mongols), Before after Mars to reign by good luck. Anyone know where this is from? I’ll tell you. After all, you’ve read this far YOU FOOLS! It’s from Goodnight Mr Tom page 17 line 3. Suicide is Painless (Theme from M*A*S*H*) Through early morning fog I see, Visions of the things to be, The pains that are withheld for me, I realize and I can see… [REFRAIN]: That suicide is painless. It brings on many changes And I can take or leave it if I please. I try to find a way to make, All our little joys relate, Without that ever-present hate, But now I know that it’s too late, and… [REFRAIN] The game of life is hard to play, I’m gonna lose it anyway. The losing card I’ll someday lay, So this is all I have to say. [REFRAIN] The only way to win is cheat, And lay it down before I’m beat, And to another give my seat, For that’s the only painless feat. [REFRAIN] The sword of time will pierce our skins. It doesn’t hurt when it begins. But as it works its way on in, The pain grows stronger…watch it grin, but… [REFRAIN] A brave man once requested me, to answer questions that are key. Is it to be or not to be? And I replied ‘Oh why ask me?’ [REFRAIN] ‘Cause suicide is painless. It brings on many changes. And I can take or leave it if I please. …And you can do the same thing if you please. How To Make Fake Blood This results in a non-toxic, realistic stage blood.Difficulty: AverageTime Required: 15 minutes Here’s How: Mix creamy peanut butter with a sufficient amount of white corn syrup to make a runny mixture. Add (non-sudsy) soap and food colors and mix well. Stir more corn syrup in until the desired consistency is reached. Refrigerate un used blood in an airtight container. Tips: Inexpensive white corn syrup is said to be thicker and more suitable for the fake blood than its costlier relatives. What You Need: 1 c (250mL) peanut butter 1 qt. (1 L) corn syrup 1/2 cup (125mL) soap 1 oz (30mL) red color 15 drops blue food color Gore Blood 2/3 cup Oriental ‘Cherry’ Dipping Sauce 1/3 cup Water 1/2 Teaspoon Red Food Coloring 2 or 3 Drops Green Food Coloring Mix the Cherry dipping sauce with water, thoroughly enough to thin down the sauce into a gooey consistancy. Add food coloring. Stir again, and let the sauce sit, preferably in a fridge. When needed, take it out and spoon it onto areas where ‘gore’ effect blood is needed. The blood will drip in glops & globs, but doesn’t puddle out like watery blood does. Buckets o’ Blood 1 Liter Corn Syrup 5 Liters Water 2 or 3 Tablespoons Red Food Coloring 1/2 Teaspoon Green Food Coloring (optional) A slosh of milk Get a large pail to mix this all together. If you do not like the consistancy you can either thin it with more water, or thicken it with sugar or corn syrup. The exact amount of food coloring you require will depend on the brand you buy, so you may need to play around with the measurements. If you make it too dark, just add more water again. Adding some milk will reduce the translucent of the mixture (real blood isn’t see-thru, but if you want clear blood, leave the milk out of the recipe). Don’t add too much milk or the blood will look pink! The final product should splash like water, but be slightly shinier, and not soak into cloth quite the same way water does, leaving more of it on the outside of clothes so they look suitably bloodied. NOTE: This will stain clothing, so don’t get it on anything important. Did you know an actual condition exists that can cause hair, bone or even teeth to grow in the vagina? Anywhere the skin folds in fact, so it is altogether entirely possible that you could wake up tomorrow with a set of gnashers in your arse. A great party trick maybe (how many people do you know that can open a bottle with their buttocks?), but can you imagine how embarrassing it would be to go to the doctor about it? I don’t think I could bring myself to; I’d go around the rest of my life dreading the moment my trousers fell down in public. I’d never be able to go commando again, never be able to get changed in the public stalls at the swimming pool or even shit outdoors. Something like this could ruin your life. In fact, I think just knowing it’s possible may have already ruined mine. I’ll never look at a vagina the same again. And you thought syphilis was bad. By this point, anyone with any of the following: taste, social life, friends, any handy alcohol, a desire to live, ingrowing toenails or really, really good hair should have given up reading long ago, so to the loyal few of you who still remain, I’ll let you in on a little secret about the editorial staff at The Hashmark: they’re all nerds, except me of course. And you know what? That’ll get in because even the editor isn’t reading anymore. The editor is a willy. See? Would I have been able to write that otherwise? Anyway, go find yourselves something to do you bored, bored, sad, sad, yet ultimately lovable, losers. This is the Hashmark legal advisor and janitor signing off. Good night. The Hashmark™ cannot accept any liability for anything lost or otherwise incurred by reading the above disclaimer, including will to live, hair, sense of love, reason for carrying on in life, or faith in the affiliates of this fine magazine. So sue us.
The First Amendment
The following disclaimer is brought to you by After 8’s, the mint that comes back for more. Due to or, in fact, owing to, per se, you see, therefore, the lack, and/or extension, deliberation, satisfaction, termination, condensation, privitisation, exhumination, redeliberation, constipation, sensation, excommunication, canonisation or flipper, the Hashmark™®© Patent-pending ACME corporation has hefore, but not therefore, issued the following apology for last months disclaimer (unless you are in fact a gnome, in which case see the special instructional video ‘so you’re a gnome’ available in all good retail outlets RRP £99.98): we apologise for the lack of naked breasts in the aforementioned disclaimer, as you are no doubt aware, the hashmark is a subsidiary of the MAXIM corporation, and engage all too happily in frequent bouts of degredation, decadence and defibulation, such as this months disclaimer, which you are no doubt aware was written with only the best of intentions, declarations, imitations and generalisations. The following content is, vis a vie, not applicable in any of the following world economies: Latvia (home of the Atlanta Braves), Minnesota (fillet ‘o fish just $7.99) or E-Bay (buy it, sell it, love it). Any attempt to preview, review, see-thru or R2D2 in any of the aforementioned economies will result in a small nuclear attack on your home or a visit from Bruce Forsythe, depending on climate, altitude and Bruce’s strictly ballroom contract. You are advised not to try and read any deeper meanings into any articles, including, but not limited to, only and especially this disclaimer, for fear and loathing of looking like a nerd. The fact that the entire staff of the Hashmark (except me) are nerds is neither here nor there, so don’t console yourself with that fact you pathetic excuse for a human being you. I would like to take this moment to advise that the editor is, in fact, a willy. See, you thought he proof-read this didn’t you? In fact he doesn’t, I can put whatever I want. I banged the editors wife. See? Yet more proof of my immense power. I love you michelle, please leave him for me, I may not be much of a golfer but at least me feet are clean (as voted for in ‘clean feet in your area monthly’). Jesus I hate writing these disclaimers. I’m such a nobody. You think I started my life WANTING to do this? I have a Masters in Ornithology! And a PHD in Octimology! I wanted to be a wrtier. I could’ve been the next Steinbeck. I had everything. A loving wife, kids, an inflatable Jacuzzi, a convertible… but then my gambling addiction started. I lost my Jacuzzi at the track and my wife in a game of craps. Foolishly, I gambled what I had left (including the convertible) to try and pay off Savage Henry (on whom I had run up quite a debt thanks to repeated loans to cover my slipper addiction- I still have all 67890564 pairs in my attic somewhere…), and lost it all on a high-risk bet that the Loch-Ness monster would win the superbowl (10-1 odds). He fell at the 10 yard line. Bastard. (AN EXPLANATION ON THE RULES OF AMERICAN FOOTBALL: American football grew out of the English game of rugby. Unlike soccer, the foot hardly even touches the ball in American football. (Soccer is the game most of the world calls football.) The Field is 100 yards long (and 160 feet wide). The middle of the field is the 50 yard line. The lines are labeled every 10 yards descending in both directions from the 50 yard line. Thus there are two 40 yard lines and no 60 yard line. Each team owns half of the field (they switch sides every 15 minutes of play). Thus, the two 40 yard lines are distinguished by who owns them. The “zero yard line” is called the goal line. The areas to either side of those 100 yards, extending 10 yards past the goal lines, are called the end zones. Teams try to get the ball past the opponent’s goal line into the end zone to score a touchdown. At far edge of each end zone are the goal posts which, together with the cross bar, look like a big H. These are used only when a team decides to kick a field goal instead of going for a touchdown or to kick for an extra point after scoring a touchdown. To score the field goal or extra point, the ball must go between the vertical posts and over the bar. In the other direction, the field is divided into three parts, left, center and right, by the hash marks, which are 60 feet from each side line. Normally, for each play, the ball starts where it ended up at the end of the previous play. However, if the ball ends up outside of the center part of the field, it is brought back to the nearest hash marks so plays never start at the extreme sides of the field. The area to either side of the field is out-of-bounds. Kickoffs: At the start of the game there is a coin toss to see which team gets the ball first. The team that has the ball is the offense; the other team is the defense. A football game is supposedly one hour, but takes about three hours to play because the clock is often stopped for various reasons. The game is divided into 15 minute quarters with a major division at 30 minutes which is called half time. At the end of the first and third quarters, the players merely switch sides. The ball is moved to the corresponding point on the other side of the field, and play continues. This switching of sides evens up any advantage due to the sun or wind. The players leave the field for 20 minutes at half-time. After half-time, play does not continue where it ended. Instead, the team that originally lost the coin toss gets to have the ball first following another kickoff. At the start of each half and after each touchdown or field goal (when it’s time to let the other team have the ball), the defending team starts by placing the ball on a tee at their 35 yard line and kicking the ball toward the other team. This is a kickoff. The other team tries to catch the ball and run it back as far as possible. If the player catching the ball sees there is no hope of running it back, he raises his hand asking for a fair catch. In a fair catch, the defending team may not tackle him and he may not run with the ball. If the ball is kicked into the end zone and no one catches it or the player catching it does not run with it, there is a touchback and the first play starts at the offense’s 20 yard line. Unlike a touchdown, a touchback does not score any points. Downs: The offense has 4 plays or downs to cover 10 yards or more. A play ends when the player with the ball is either stopped or goes out-of-bounds or if the ball is thrown and missed (which is called an incomplete pass). A player is stopped when his knees touch the ground either because he was tackled by a defensive player or because he fell. When a play is over an official blows a whistle. Normally, teams try to cover the 10 yards in 3 plays or less. If they don’t make it in 3 plays, they use the 4th down to kick the ball toward the other team. The ball is not placed on the ground and kicked as it is in a kickoff. Instead, the ball is snapped back to the kicker who kicks the ball. This is punting. Teams don’t have to punt on 4th down. Sometimes, if the distance to complete the 10 yards is very short or if a team is far behind in the score, they elect to go for it on 4th down–to try to complete the 10 yards with another play. If they fail to make it on 4th down, the ball is turned over on downs where it ends up. On 4th down, if they are close enough to the defense’s goal posts, the offense may also elect to kick a field goal. If the field goal misses, the ball is turned over to the other team where it was before the field goal attempt. If a team succeeds in advancing 10 yards or more, they get a first down. That is, they get a new set of 4 downs to make another 10 yards. Scoring: The object of the game is to score more points than your opponent. A touchdown is worth 6 points. After a touchdown, the team then attempts to kick the ball through the goal posts to get an extra point. Because this kick almost always works, most people think of a touchdown as being worth 7 points and then subtract a point if the extra point kick is missed. The team that scored the touchdown has the option of trying to get the ball into the opponent’s end zone again in just one running or passing play instead of kicking for the extra point. If this two point conversion works, they get two points instead of just one. This is, however, more than twice as difficult as kicking an extra point. A field goal is worth is worth 3 points. If an offensive player is stopped in his own end zone, the defense scores a safety which is worth 2 points. This rarely happens. After a safety, the offense must kick the ball to the other team with a free kick where the kicker kicks the ball from his own 20 yard line. It’s called a free kick because the kicker may not be tackled. The Players: Each team has 11 players on the field. Before a play starts, the offensive players meet in a huddle to decide which play to use. Plays are normally selected by the coaching staff who radio their selection to the quarter back who then tells the other players. The defensive players might also huddle to select their own strategy for the next play. The players then come up to the line of scrimmage which is an imaginary line drawn from one side of the field to the other through the tip of the football closest to the defense. Each team must stay on their own side of the line of scrimmage until the play starts. The offensive team typically has a quarter back (the team leader), two additional players behind the quarterback often called the fullback and the tailback, five players in a line in front of the quarter back called the offensive line, and three receivers off to either side of the offensive line that are called tight end, split end, and flanker. The tight end is close to the offensive line; the others are further away. The center player of the five linemen on the offensive line is the center. The defensive team typically has four linemen in front, three line backers in back of them and four defensive backs further back or to the sides called corner backs and safeties. The Plays: The offensive linemen all put a hand on the ground except for the center who puts both hands on the ball. The quarter back stands behind the center with his hands between the center’s legs. The quarterback calls out a series of signals. Only the offensive players know which signal starts the play; the defense has to wait to see the play start before they can react. Once the secret signal is given, the play starts when the center snaps the ball to the quarterback. The offense has a maximum of 25 seconds from the end of the previous play to start the next play unless a time-out has been called. In a pass play the quarterback takes a few steps back, waits for someone to get open, and throws the ball to that person. That pass receiver can be any offensive player other than a lineman. During a pass play, the defensive front four rush the quarterback hoping to either make him throw the ball early or perhaps even sack him by tackling him before he throws the ball. The offensive linemen try to prevent this by blocking the defensive linemen. However, the offensive lineman are not allowed to use their hands while blocking. Meantime the defensive backs cover the receivers (try to stop the receivers from catching the ball) by either running with them in man-to-man coverage or by covering any receivers in their part of the field in zone coverage. Sometimes the defensive team blitzes by sending one or more defensive backs after the quarter back. That can be dangerous because it can leave a receiver open–but that won’t matter if they can sack the quarterback. If the pass is not caught before it touches the ground, it is an incomplete pass and the ball returns to the original line of scrimmage. If a pass is picked off (caught) by a defensive player, it is an interception and the ball is turned over to the other team. In a rushing play the quarterback hands the ball off to the tailback or, sometimes, the fullback and that person runs with the ball. The offensive linemen try to open holes in the defensive line for the rusher to run through by blocking the defensive linemen. If the rusher fumbles by losing the ball before the play is over, there is a mad scramble while everyone tries to pounce on the ball. If a defensive player recovers the fumble, the ball is turned over to the other team. Penalties: The people in the stripped shirts are the officials. They carry out various tasks such as raising their arms to signal a touchdown or field goal, deciding if a pass was caught in bounds or out-of-bounds, placing the ball on the line of scrimmage for the next play, measuring to see if 10 yards have been covered, and assessing penalties for rule infractions. To call a penalty, an official takes a piece of yellow cloth, called a penalty marker or flag, from his pocket and throws it on the ground. There is then a flag on the play. Illegal procedure: An offensive linemen moved before the play started or a receiver who was in motion before the play started did not move parallel with the line of scrimmage. Or the quarterback was past the line of scrimmage when he threw a pass. 5 yard penalty. Ineligible Receiver Down-field: An offensive lineman was too far advanced past the line of scrimmage when the quarterback threw a pass. 5 yard penalty. Delay of Game: The offensive team took more than 25 seconds to start the play. 5 yard penalty. Grounding the Ball: The quarter back threw the ball away instead toward a possible receiver because he was about to be sacked. 5 yards and loss of down. Off-sides: A defensive player moved across the line of scrimmage and either made contact with an offensive player or failed to get back before the play started. 5 yard penalty. Holding: An offensive lineman used his hands while blocking. 10 yard penalty. Clipping, Illegal Block, Chop Block: Blocking a player from the back. This can hurt a player because he doesn’t know the hit is coming. 10 yards. Pass Interference: Grabbing or tackling the pass receiver while the pass is in the air. The defender must wait until the ball arrives. However, the defender can try the catch the ball himself, so he may collide with the receiver as they both try to make the catch. If there is interference, the penalty is 15 yards (or to the point of interference if that’s less) and a first down is granted even if the ten yards has not been made. Unnecessary Roughness, Roughing the Passer, Roughing the Kicker: Tackling someone after he no longer has the ball or after the play is over. 15 yards. Facemask: Grabbing the front of a player’s helmet during a tackle. 15 yards if flagrant; 5 yards if incidental. Unsportsman-like conduct: 15 yards. After a penalty is called, the other team can accept or decline the penalty. When a penalty is assessed, the ball is brought back to the original line of scrimmage and the penalty is marched off from there. The down is then repeated unless the penalty includes loss of down. That is, the play with the penalty does not count as one of the four allowed to get 10 yards. Thus, if the team with the penalty did poorly on the play, the other team may want to turn down the penalty and accept the play as it was. If both teams get a penalty on the same play, the play is repeated from the original line of scrimmage. The maximum penalty is half the distance to the goal line even if a larger penalty would otherwise be assessed. For the signals used by the officials, see http://football.netdesigners.us/info/rulebook/signal.php. The Clock: The last two minutes of a half can take a long time to play. Throughout the game, the clock is stopped whenever there is an incomplete pass or the player with the ball runs out-of-bounds. And the clock is stopped temporarily when there’s a first down so the officials can move the chains at the side of the field that are used to measure the 10 yards. And each team has 3 time-outs they can call per half to stop play for a couple of minutes. In the last 2 minutes, the offense uses incomplete passes and running out-of-bounds just to stop the clock. Unlike professional football, there is no “two minute warning.”), so now you know the rules, let’s continue the story. Anyway, to cap it all off, I lost the bet, lost everything, and sold the kids to get back the convertible. So now when it’s sunny, I drive around with the top down, and when it rains I drive around with the top up. So now you know. Now perhaps you won’t be so quick to judge me in the future. Bastards. Plot Summary for Buono, il brutto, il cattivo, Il (1966) The Good is Blondie, a wandering gunman with a strong personal sense of honor. The Bad is Angel Eyes, a sadistic hitman who always hits his mark. The Ugly is Tuco, a Mexican bandit who’s always only looking out for himself. Against the backdrop of the Civil War, they search for a fortune in gold buried in a graveyard. Each knows only a portion of the gold’s exact location, so for the moment they’re dependent on each other. However, none are particularly inclined to share… The third of Sergio Leone’s Dollar Trilogy and to most fans the best … certainly the longest (180 minutes). Also contains the most memorable of Western soundtrack signature tunes, Ennio Morricone’s Il Buono, il Brutto, il Cattivo (although Hugo Montenegro is often credited with the recorded version of the soundtrack LP). Each of the three lead characters has his signature tune – ‘Blondie’ (Eastwood) is the Good, ‘Angeleyes’ (Van Cleef) is the Bad, and much-maligned ‘Tuco’ (Wallach) is the Ugly. Set during the confused campaigning in Texas during the Civil War – most Regular units were transferred to both sides’ respective forces east of the Mississippi, leaving less-disciplined ‘volunteers’ to wage particularly brutal campaigns, battles and skirmishes. This time round Leone immediately appointed Clint Eastwood, now firmly established by the Western-viewing public as The Man With No Name (he achieved cult status foremost in the Latin-American countries), as the main lead, but shared equal billing with Lee Van Cleef and Eli Wallach as the trio of gold bullion-seeking fortune-hunters. So, becoming just a trifle tired of this Man With No Name typecasting, but also somewhat miffed at this equal billing, Eastwood made no more films with Leone, instead starting his own production company, Malpaso, and helping Hollywood ‘reclaim’ the genre by imitating the blood and gore of the Spaghetti Western with Ted Post’s insipid HANG ‘EM HIGH (1967). THE GOOD, THE BAD & THE UGLY contained some ‘perceived’ cause for controversy when first screened in the United States, and some State legislators attempted to have either the film itself banned or the scene in question censored from the screened cut. This was the scene during the massed assault on the bridge (the war-weary Union commander informs Blondie and Tuco that this is only the latest of far-too-many equally fruitless assaults against the same objective). Several hundred men in Union Blue and Confederate Grey storm into each other and then mill around on the bridge. Observing this from a distance, Clint Eastwood shakes his head ruefully and mutters, “I have never seen so many men wasted so badly …” Cinemas throughout the United States erupted in shouts and cheers – deemed by the Powers That Be to be inflammatory and anti-Government, and thus bad for morale during the then-raging Vietnam conflict … upon which the remark was, of course, an oblique comment. Other reviewers have rightly commented on this reworking for the digital age. And yes, not all of it is for the better: the sudden change in (original) voice pitch does rather distract fans from the flow of the film. The extras were … umm, well, unfulfilling. This was a classic case of If It Ain’t Broke Don’t Fix It. Like a previous reviwer, I shall retain my earlier DVD of the film – the original is always the best … REVIEW PROVIDED BY AMAZON.COM. Which was your favourite spaghetti western? Fistful of Dollars, For a few Dollars More or The Good, The Bad and The Ugly? Write in to ‘only the disclaimer author cares, Hashmark PLC, London W1 6JH’, you can expect a reply in six to eight weeks or a bout of Scurvy, depending on availability. If you disliked all the Spaghetti Westerns, please, please, please fuck off and never return you ugly, anal retentive, ass-crack-licking dog. Can’t you appreciate good movie making? Jesus you are SUCH a prick! In fact, im going to come round your house tonight and break your mother’s legs you deadbeat you. And, what’s more, you’ll deserve it. Well. Here we are. The end of another disclaimer. I can only hope this one was more boring than the last, and you wasted even more time in photocopying it and blowing it up to a readable size from that teeny-tiny print at the bottom of the page (you know who you are)- please, find lives for yourselves now. Just one. You could share it. If this is the case, then my mission is complete, and there go ten minutes of your life you’ll never get back. Still, at least you understand the rules of American Football now. And I’ll let you in on something; you may have wasted ten minutes of YOUR life reading this, but it took me an hour to write. So now who’s the loser. It’s me isn’t it? The Hashmark takes no personal responsibility for the content of this disclaimer, and by reading it you have invalidated any credibility you may have once had at any parties, or indeed any social situations. So sue us.