Tea With Jonathan: Are Lembit, Gabrielle And Sian Cheekily Blowing Life Back Into Politics?

I walk into an empty room and find my usual spot next to the fire. Directly opposite me is a mirror; the chair, it seems, is strategically placed. Sipping my tea I smile gleefully as I realise that I am about to have a discussion with the most interesting man I know…The transcript monologue…

He is a tall man, with a long face not dissimilar to that of a cartoon character. His smile creates dimples that are normally present on only the cutest of toddlers. His happy face is distorted, however, not by a dirty secret (he is a Lib Dem) but by a hideous facial distortion synonymous to that of reflection in a house of mirrors. What a chin. Boosted to fame as an MP for the Liberal Party by his belief that an asteroid will destroy the world, Lembit Opik MP (yes, his real name) is in all the newspapers these days; he is, it seems, a celebophile. Previously Lembit was engaged to Sian Lloyd (seen with Lembit, right), 1480744.jpgthat weather girl (woman) that everyone wished was their best friends mother. She’s a ‘looker’, especially for 48. The thinking man’s crumpet knows how to sell herself too, by proposing that she isn’t interested in looks: “the brain is the sexiest organ in the body” says Sian Lloyd (I swear these names are true). But now the Opik is with someone half Sian Lloyd’s age, the best thing to have come out of Romania since bladeless butchering, Gabrielle Irimia. Honestly, I swear all these names are true. Any idea who Gabrielle is? She is one of those two scary bumchums The Cheeky Girls, sisters apparently. So Lembit Opik is dating the 24 year old Cheeky Girl. All the papers are talking about it, making terrific references to bum fun; Oh! How the media is improving the life of politics in this country. I make reference to a previous Hashmark article in which the politics editor correctly identified that politics is dead; the tabloids, it seems, are only able to interest people with a politics article by using the ridiculous names (they’re probably made up due to libel cases) of people who are going through a change in relationship, deciding upon the most embarrassing of all pop stars in the last 10 years of shit that has come out of the charts. I have indeed used the same ploy; it was fun though wasn’t it? My point is, though, that I hope that what I talk about could perhaps at least in the tiniest manner inspire you to believe again, for it is you that can make politics live again, for you are its life; you, and everyone, are politics.

Feel good? Trash, of course, but interesting at least. Politics is really at its most interesting when defined as power; politics is, after all, power. But just as previously referred to in another article, I repeat the same linguistic tool of interest by referring to the same author’s most recent article. He stated that the US president is the most powerful man in the world, a good way to attempt to make an article interesting indeed (Politics? Boring?). But, of course, farcical. I would like to suggest that there is someone else who is not only the most powerful man in the world, but the most powerful man in history. He is, of course, American, and his name is Heinz A. Kissinger, a German immigrant to the USA who arrived when the Nazi Party were revolutionising economics (the only good thing they did was introduce a planned economy; it worked for Russia, and Germany did well even when they were fighting the whole world. Why do we believe a Scottish bloke with a boring name?!), but slaughtering everyone foreign, ugly, brainy, disabled, black, short and Jewish (only one of the aforementioned qualities was required). 

Henry Kissinger; in the past, he was the US Secretary of State, but that was probably his least powerful period. Henry is the only man to have had direct influence over every president since Nixon, except, surprisingly, Clinton. Yes, Kissinger (left)kissinger.jpg held no influence over the president under whom America enjoyed its longest period of economic growth with no war. It seems that Henry Kissinger was directly linked to every war since Vietnam. Indeed, Kissinger played such an active role that he has since been named the ‘Butcher of Cambodia’. This is mainly because it seems Henry Kissinger, Nixon’s assistant for National Security Affairs, convinced the president to begin a bombing campaign in
Cambodia where the Vietcong and North Vietnamese Army had established logistical bases. The campaign, secretly referred to as “Operation Breakfast” (a surprisingly refreshing name for an American campaign, yet it appears that the operation began at two in the afternoon, which demonstrates clearly that the Americans don’t know how to do anything right). This spurred the Vietnamese troops to move deeper into Cambodia, causing US bombing missions to also move further into the country’s interior. Of course, the Americans, under the joint control of Nixon and Kissinger (Why him? Not a military leader, nooooo, not a democratically elected leader, noooooo, a random bloke with a German accent) decided the only option was to bomb the fuck out of a completely neutral country. The fact is that the United States dropped three times the quantity of explosives on Cambodia between 1970 and 1973 than it had dropped on Japan for the duration of World War II (that, by the way, includes the A-BOMBS!). Between 1969 and 1973, 539,129 tons of high explosives rained down on Cambodia; that is more than one billion pounds (that’s about 72 million Pavarottis). This is equivalent to some 15,400 pounds of explosives for every square mile of Cambodian territory, every square mile! Bearing in mind that (probably) less than 25 percent of the total area of Cambodia was bombed at one time or another, the actual explosive force per mile would be at least four times this level.
This is just a single example of the influence Kissinger had, over a single President, during only one war. More recently it has been seen that Kissinger was directly involved with Bush when deciding to go into Iraq, deciding when the war was over, and how and when they should pull out.

I’m not going to list here all the activities that Kissinger has been involved with, but, as a further example, his firm (Kissinger McLarty Associates (KMA)) is responsible for relations between huge corporations and governments. His influence over all world governments is huge, and he has something of a talent for making it easier for large businesses to get whatever they need out of a country. This is sleazy in its appearance, but it has helped tremendously with the growth of the world economy. But, of course, as with all free market economies, growth is aligned only with actions of the powerful. I am not discussing here whether what he has done is good or bad; who am I to question a Nobel peace prize winner? Yes, he won the Nobel peace prize too, for negotiating the end of the Vietnam War. He has also been Time Magazine’s “Man of the Year”, been involved in the Watergate scandal, pledged allegiance to Operation Iraqi Liberation (“OIL”, for short) (alright, I made that up, but he’s been behind both Iraq wars) and even run the CIA, which is technically a shadow position, but at the time the CIA was funding the Congress for Cultural Freedom, which in turn was working to depose all communist leaders. Dr Kissinger stepped down from this position when he was found out by Irving Howe (he admitted illegal activity). All I am suggesting is this: the man may not be famous in the UK, but he is in America, and his influence is vast. I believe him to be the most influential and powerful man in the world, and hey, when Trumpeter stops publishing articles on American politics, I might do a long piece on Henry. He’s an interesting man.

There was more I wanted to talk about, but, for now, I think this is enough as an example introduction to ‘Tea with Jonathan…’

Jon Hackett

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1 Comment

Filed under Hashmark Politics, Politics, Tea With Jonathan

One response to “Tea With Jonathan: Are Lembit, Gabrielle And Sian Cheekily Blowing Life Back Into Politics?

  1. Pingback: The Hashmark Week 8/3/07 « The Hashmark

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