Gentlemen Readers of the Hashmark, I will in my first column speak to you on a matter which causes consternation to all gentlemen – how to deal with the poor and uneducated. These reprobates have plagued all the great civilizations from ancient Rome to modern Britain. Now, it of course must be remembered that it is not necessarily their fault that they are uncouth plebeians; they may not have been born with blood as blue as the Danube, but that is no excuse. One must not humour “beggars” or “tramps”, as to give them money only encourages them. Instead you must always take a hard line with such types. The next time a tramp shambles up to you asking for you to subsidise his already worthless existence, take him firmly by the scruff and beat him for his laziness. I recommend a good cane, preferably with a spherical metal head of the kind available from any good gentlemen’s outfitter. This allows both the slashing whipping method and the clubbing method to be employed, depending on the discretion of the gentleman in question. If the pauper tries to press charges make sure the lawyer who is defending him is a friend of yours- school ties from Eton or Harrow are best; Oxbridge is also good. The work-shy vagabond will never know what happened.
Original Hashmark article by Lord Anthony McLarin, OBE, BSc, kNOB